I just don't get it

Why is soccer so popular? I've tried on many occasions to get into the sport that seems to captivate the entire world with the exception of the United States and I just can't see the appeal. It's a slow paced game with no real action. Don't you dare call aimlessly running up and down the field action. It's not. Get over it hooligans.

I was doing some thinking while watching the snooze fest that is this "sport" and came up with some suggestions for improving it.

• Swords. No real explanation needed here. And for a little variety, the goalkeepers can have a crossbow.
• Have pairs of players from opposing teams tie their legs together three-legged race style. This should make the aimless running a little bit more entertaining to watch. This step works even better with the previously mentioned swords.
• Skewer the teams so that they resemble foosball players and have the fans control the action.
• Multiball.
• Instead of pulling cards, the referees get tasers.

Better yet, they could just revamp the entire game with a smaller field, smaller goals, a sheet of ice, give the players sticks, change the ball to a puck, and let them hit each other. That would probably be the best sport in the world.